


Lost and Found

by parka_girl



Category: BTOB, K-pop, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-16
Updated: 2015-12-16
Packaged: 2018-05-07 03:46:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5442191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parka_girl/pseuds/parka_girl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ilhoon and Yoongi are no longer idols. The world has moved on without them and both are struggling to find their place. Instead, they find each other. Bittersweet, in a way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lost and Found

Ilhoon watches from the audience, mouthing the words along to the song. He knows them all, though he's loathe to admit it. He wishes he was on stage, that he was rapping. He wants to be good enough, but he's not arrogant enough to think that he's actually good enough. He knows what he is, a former idol rapper who doesn't have a group anymore. 

He's been away from the music world for two years and it's clear he's been away too long, there's no way he'll ever catch up. He turns away from the stage, weaving his way through the crowd and toward the door. Ilhoon knows he's going to have to be happy with his life now, there's no future in music for him. 

People don't even recognize him now, or if they do it's in that sad, pitiful washed up idol sort of way. He doesn't like that feeling, it makes him ache inside, it reminds him of everything he lost when he agreed to enlist earlier than he'd meant. Not that his group missed him, really. They've moved on without him and now most of them are enlisted and he's out, in more ways than one. No contract, no future, no anything. 

The hallway outside the concert hall is empty and for a moment Ilhoon lingers, listening to the music pounding through the door. He stares at it -- it would be just as easy to walk back inside as it would be to walk away. He chooses the latter, because in the end it's not a choice. It hurts too much, being so close to what he wants, what he can't have. 

Outside it's still daylight, it's only six at night. It's muggy and hot, the air heavy with rain that hasn't fallen yet. Ilhoon stands in front of the entrance to the club, watching people walk past him. They are as oblivious to him as they are to the cars on the street, to the threat of rain. Ilhoon wraps his arms around himself, shivering, though not from the cold. 

He hears the door open behind him and he turns, startled. The man who walks out behind him is someone he recognizes. They'd been idols around the same time. Ilhoon has vague memories of the man's stage name, Suga, he thinks. He hadn't really paid attention to what happened to other ex-idols. The man meets Ilhoon's gaze, looking surprised and as though he recognizes him. Had they known each other? 

Just when Ilhoon thinks Suga, because that's who it must be, is going to say something, his phone rings. He answers, it's his sister. He turns away from Suga as he talks and when he turns back, the other man is gone. They hadn't even exchanged any words. Which, Ilhoon supposes, is fine. He wouldn't have known what to say. 

A week later and he's back at the club, for another show. He can't seem to stay away, even though it hurts too much. He's wearing a suit this time, having run out of time to change into something more appropriate because his train was running slow. He leaves early again, making it an hour, the same as the last. As he's leaving, he sees Suga and their eyes meet, briefly, before Suga is jostled out of Ilhoon's line of view. 

This process repeats itself for two months. Ilhoon finds the hole in his heart, the ache he can't fill, growing with each show he watches. He can't make himself stop. He pretends he's there because he wants to talk to Suga, to find out how the other man is surviving, since he's done a few web searches and his old group doesn't exist anymore, either, at least not with Suga. But the truth is that Ilhoon goes partly because he doesn't want to feel alone and partly because he doesn't want to lose himself to the fantasy that he might be able to make it as a rapper. 

His sister suggested he go on Show Me The Money, which he finds hard to believe still exists. But he refuses. He knows he'd get laughed off. He's watched other ex-idol rappers and even the good ones never make it far. He doesn't want to make a fool of himself, any more than he has. Plus, sometimes he likes that no one knows him. 

It's raining when he leaves the club. Without an umbrella, Ilhoon resigns himself to getting wet. He doesn't care, really. His backpack is basically waterproof and it's a warm rain. Ilhoon is about to step out from under the awning when the door behind him opens. Without thinking, he turns and sees Suga. They are so close that Ilhoon could reach out and touch him. He wants to, he finds, to remind himself that he is real. 

Ilhoon watches as Suga bites his bottom lip. Since the first time, this is the only other time that they've been close enough to talk. Ilhoon's phone doesn't ring, Suga doesn't look away, no one opens the door up behind him. The rain has kept everyone off the streets and except for the occasional person rushing by, trying not to get wet, they are alone. 

Suga opens his mouth, but shuts it. Ilhoon knows how he feels. He doesn't know what to say, he feels he should say something, but he can't find the right words. He doesn't say anything and instead, when Suga angles his head slightly, as if to say come with me, Ilhoon just nods. He's not going to refuse. He misses people. No, he thinks as they walk, the rain soaking them both, he misses being around people who understand him. 

As they walk. Ilhoon notices that Suga's wearing too nice shoes and pants that don't go with his t-shirt. As if he'd come straight from work. Ilhoon looks down at himself, his button down is soaked through, he can see the outline of his undershirt. He looks over when they come to a stop at a road and finds Suga watching him. He'd forgotten what this felt like, too. 

Ilhoon follows, no, walks with Suga all the way to his flat. No one stops them, asks what they're doing together. Ilhoon finds the silence bearable, for the first time in a very, very long time. The ache in his heart is as strong as ever, but even though they've not said a word to each other, Ilhoon doesn't feel quite as alone. 

They end up at Suga's flat. It's in a nice building, not far from the club. It's fancier than Ilhoon's, but not by much. Suga hands him a towel after he's invited inside. Ilhoon steps into the bathroom, drying himself off. There's a knock on the door and Suga hands him a pile of dry clothes. Ilhoon hangs his over the shower and changes. The clothes are warm, comfortable, and Ilhoon thinks he should probably wonder why he's here, but he doesn't let himself. There are things he'd rather not think about. 

"It's Yoongi." Suga says when Ilhoon steps out of the bathroom. 

Suga -- no, Yoongi, is leaning against the wall in the hall. 

"Ilhoon." Ilhoon replies. 

Yoongi smiles slightly, but doesn't reply. Obviously he knew and while Ilhoon hadn't known Yoongi's real name, it's clear that he knew who Suga was. 

Yoongi turns, making his way into the living room. His flat reminds Ilhoon of his own. It's impersonal, empty of things that make it his own. There are few memories of the group Yoongi used to be a part of. Instead, there are photos of his family, some friends, people he met in the military. There is one photo of the group. Ilhoon has one like it. No one looks happy, they all look awkward. 

Ilhoon turns, finds Yoongi watching him again. "Does it hurt?" He asks. 

And then there's pain etched on Yoongi's face. It's as vivid as any colors. Ilhoon regrets his words, but only because it made Yoongi hurt. 

"You know." Yoongi says, his voice rough and raw, and Ilhoon does know. 

Eyes still on Yoongi, he takes a seat on the couch, uninvited. After a moment he looks away. Across from the couch is a flatscreen TV, mounted on the wall. The couch dips as Yoongi sits next to him. They're touching. Ilhoon forgot what this was like, too. The feel of someone pressed against you, the warmth of Yoongi's arm against his. 

Ilhoon turns, Yoongi is watching him. Eyes on his, then on his mouth, then back up again. Ilhoon knows what he wants to do, he thinks Yoongi does, too. He leans in and Yoongi meets him halfway. Yoongi's mouth is rough, hot against his own. He tugs a little at Yoongi's lips with his teeth before opening his mouth more, kissing him harder. 

They're breathing hard when they both pull back. After a moment Ilhoon leans his head against Yoongi's shoulder. Yoongi's hand finds Ilhoon's and they sit like that until it starts to get dark outside. And then they sit like that for longer, the only sound the rain against Yoongi's window. At some point Ilhoon's neck starts to ache and he sits up, rubbing it with his hand that's not still in Yoongi's. 

"How did you know?" Ilhoon asks, his voice sounds loud. 

Yoongi's fingers squeeze Ilhoon's. "I saw it on your face." 

It's enough, Ilhoon thinks. They saw something in each other, they see something in each other. Ilhoon swallows. In the darkness, he can speak his fears, he thinks. 

"It hurts." He says, without specifying what. 

"I know." Yoongi's voice is soft and gentle. 

Ilhoon turns and Yoongi's watching him. He can see the outline of his face in the dim light from outside. Yoongi shifts and Ilhoon shifts with him and they are kissing again. Yoongi's fingers tangle in his hair this time, twisting it as they kiss and Ilhoon pulls Yoongi to him. He crawls on top of Ilhoon and they kiss harder than before, rougher. 

"Do you want to go home?" Yoongi asks. 

"Now or ever?" Ilhoon replies. 

Laughter bubbles over from Yoongi, a sound Ilhoon hadn't expected to hear, but one that makes him feel -- he doesn't know what he's feeling, but he feels something, mixed in with that desire, the want. It's easing that ache in his heart. 

"Let's get takeaway." Yoongi replies, in answer. 

It is enough for Ilhoon. It is more than enough. And from the way Yoongi's hand slides into his after they change into their now-dry clothes, Ilhoon knows it's the same from Yoongi. They are lost from the world they once knew, but they are not alone.


End file.
